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one entry without romantic sentiment
May. 10th, 2009 | 01:58 am
for once.
i want to start blogging again. i can hardly call it 'writing', but certainly 'blogging'. blogging in the way that i did when i first had annabelleleigh, where i would write about 99% of the same things that i am talking about now, much in the same style. and i should know this, because today i decided to reread all of my entries from 2001-2005. but rather than wash-rinse-repeat, i'm not going to write mournfully or shamefully about how back then i was so mature for my age, how i had such sparkling talent, and how it was wasted, wasted, WASTED, blah blah など など. because, i was doing the same thing 6 years ago - about my 15 year old (then 18 year old) self. how on earth is that productive? (despite not knowing what i am trying to produce, or what linear line i am following,...)
of course there is no way in order for me to NOT be pessimistic or misanthropic in my diary/blog. this is just asking for too much. such pseudo (?) realism is me, it's l-o-r-i, and you can threaten me with mutiny and give me the 'man of my dreams' and stuff me full of sugar, but you can't remove the salt from the water if you know what i mean. in my case, you can't remove the years of bright eyes and sylvia plath from the girl, but this i guess goes unsaid.
in the ongoing quest of everyday self-discovery, of my attempt to find something within myself that is intrinsically mine (because i often feel as though there is, well, nothing), of wanting to be myself, of wanting to love myself, or at least trust within my own feelings without thoughts of self-sabotage - maybe, words are my ether. my old friends, here in my head.
if i claim to hate moderation, then i want to do this without abandon or hesitation. this is something i often whisper to myself, sometimes scream, but always feel and then verbalize.
may of 2008 made me deliriously happy but such options and choices that i dealt with then only resulted in yet another cyclical mess, and as such i don't want to go back.
may of 2009, then, at least should result in something different: something repeated and steady, safety found in stability, something i created that i can look at and crumple in my hands, no matter how awful.
beeeegin. turn the page.
i want to start blogging again. i can hardly call it 'writing', but certainly 'blogging'. blogging in the way that i did when i first had annabelleleigh, where i would write about 99% of the same things that i am talking about now, much in the same style. and i should know this, because today i decided to reread all of my entries from 2001-2005. but rather than wash-rinse-repeat, i'm not going to write mournfully or shamefully about how back then i was so mature for my age, how i had such sparkling talent, and how it was wasted, wasted, WASTED, blah blah など など. because, i was doing the same thing 6 years ago - about my 15 year old (then 18 year old) self. how on earth is that productive? (despite not knowing what i am trying to produce, or what linear line i am following,...)
of course there is no way in order for me to NOT be pessimistic or misanthropic in my diary/blog. this is just asking for too much. such pseudo (?) realism is me, it's l-o-r-i, and you can threaten me with mutiny and give me the 'man of my dreams' and stuff me full of sugar, but you can't remove the salt from the water if you know what i mean. in my case, you can't remove the years of bright eyes and sylvia plath from the girl, but this i guess goes unsaid.
in the ongoing quest of everyday self-discovery, of my attempt to find something within myself that is intrinsically mine (because i often feel as though there is, well, nothing), of wanting to be myself, of wanting to love myself, or at least trust within my own feelings without thoughts of self-sabotage - maybe, words are my ether. my old friends, here in my head.
if i claim to hate moderation, then i want to do this without abandon or hesitation. this is something i often whisper to myself, sometimes scream, but always feel and then verbalize.
may of 2008 made me deliriously happy but such options and choices that i dealt with then only resulted in yet another cyclical mess, and as such i don't want to go back.
may of 2009, then, at least should result in something different: something repeated and steady, safety found in stability, something i created that i can look at and crumple in my hands, no matter how awful.
beeeegin. turn the page.
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livejournal robots saved me!
May. 10th, 2009 | 01:26 am
mood: slovenly
music: the bird and the bee
1.What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
went to varied and many places in japan (ueno zoo, asakusa, kamakura, izu peninsula, random tokyo and saitama places [tokyo disneyland, outdoor parks, bars, places where my wallet felt unhappy, places where my stomach was overjoyed], + the cat cafe!), worked as a mental prostitute (aka kyabajo/hostess), ate plates upon plates of raw fish (maguro, toroo, tuna! ebi!), ate raw horse meat (thanks diana), went to a love hotel (for free) with a real, live pool installed in the room (again thanks diana), (in all probability) had a date rape drug slipped into my drink, was involved in new, multiple, scary and potentially dangerous situations, set off fireworks on the beach/drank on the beach/smoked in japan (an unheard of concept), climbed mt. fuji, went to varied countries in south east asia, snorkled in coral reefs, lived without electricity for two days, played in a thai waterfall, kayaked on the ocean, had money stolen from my purse, went host clubbing, dressed as a santa and walked around kabukicho, laid down in traffic, drank many bottles of champagne, applied to graduate school, cooked various things, made an all too fancy and time consuming bento.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
the most impossible of promises are the ones that i make to myself, so i try not to bother.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no, but varied people from high school did, which makes me all the more certain that my mind and reproductive organs are quickly withering away.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
no one close, no.
5. What countries did you visit?
america, japan, hong kong, thailand, cambodia, laos.
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
an independent sense of purpose, the ephemeral yellow bird of happiness (good for one year), more money (impossible), a passion for something that i can find within myself.
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
a day in april, a day in may, any other day. because i am incapable of forgetting, for now.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
i'm guessing getting accepted to sophia/the scholarship, though there really were no particular 'achievements' to note. if i want to be really morbid, what do you think i'd write?
9. What was your biggest failure?
not making any significant mental progress from the year before (in terms of emotional attachment, intellect). my japanese ability staggering (because i am either lazy or incapable.) assuming that my parents were dealing in some way with my student loans when i was out of the country (irresponsible, stupid). not saving any money. not being kind enough to those that i should be kind to, being much too kind to those that frankly do not deserve my kindness.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
sort of.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
honestly? a 4,000yen pair of jeans from zara bought during the summer sale - they are definitely the most useful thing i bought, and therefore the best (?). otherwise, some sort of metal device which you press on pimples to pop them (1,000yen!). or a certain shade of eyeshadow. or my black, over the knee, fake leather, all too expensive euro-hooker boots. i am amazingly blase. but for the romantics - a silver ring from cambodia, or a gold and black painting of lotuses from laos. (sigh!) (WHERE ARE YOU NOW???)
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
i think that in general, those close to me (at least those in america) who kept their lives moving in some sort of direction forward this year - and that always merits celebration.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
it goes unsaid.
14. Where did most of your money go?
living expenses, the month of traveling, and towards the end, frivolous and idiotic "i'm about to leave japan so fuck everything" 'expenses'.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
diana coming to visit me, that particular night in april, traveling with shin.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
"dou site kimi wo suki ni natte simattan darou?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68Tp7T3g
(so cheesy and ear-bleed worthy i know)
and many many more
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?
as of may 2009, i am definitely more sad. but this is only because may of 2008 was one of those rare times that i could proclaim genuine elation with a non-cheesecake smile.
ii. thinner or fatter?
the same, possibly slightly fatter at this point.
iii. richer or poorer?
poorer, brokeeeee.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
(stealing sean's answer partially!)
studying, reading, taking pictures, appreciating the moment, learning from mistakes!
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
whining and bitching, drinking, crying.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
in a comatose stupor at my apartment, shoveling 'christmas cake,' fried chicken, and nikujaga into my mouth in between sips of alcohol.
22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
i already was. (steal!)
23. How many one-night stands?
i'm guessing i would have to say zero. this is somewhat questionable according to individual definitions.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
i spent most of my fall catching up (and finishing) six feet under, but considering that is now finished, i would have to say law and order svu. really, svu is akin to melon soda, pho, or some other sort of habit-forming substance for me.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i don't really believe in hating anyone, but i can certainly say that i have a strong dislike for certain people that i didn't have last year.
26. What was the best book you read this year?
'taking pictures' by anne enright.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
sia, snow patrol, miss platinum, elka, zemfira, 'purissance' cd, random trance given to me.
28. What did you want and get?
shin, traveling outside of japan, acceptance to graduate school,
29. What did you want and not get?
shin, travel to vietnam, fluent japanese ability, longer hair, bigger breasts, a smaller waist.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
this question should be rephrased as, 'the best movie you saw this year,' because really, in japan i saw no new movies aside from 'speedracer,' (and that was out of sheer desire to see something at a theatre.) it can hardly be termed as my favorite film of the year. but, i did watch a dvd that was given to me which i loved - 'songs from the second floor.' amazing stuff, amazing stuff.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i worked all day, (it was a monday, the worst of all days), then took the train to omiya to meet with fay for dinner. he was late, and the restaurant i chose to go to (sticks of raw food dipped in batter and panko, fried tableside) proved to be too expensive for him...so i ended up footing 80% of the bill for the two of us. possibly the most depressing birthday i can remember. and, i turned 23.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
yen, mind control, tarento! (+ longer hair, bigger breasts).
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
kuroneko hakujin gyaru.
34. What kept you sane?
surfthechannel.com, my friends, not being destitute, facebook, alcohol. (the last two led to some insanity however.)
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
uhh
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Σ（゜д ゜） はっ!?
37. Who did you miss?
everyone from my past life in amerikaz.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
hi.mi.tsu.vv.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
stop moving in circles. wear a mask. kabukicho is a dangerous place.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
so strike another match, we'll have another cup of wine
and dance until the evening's dead of too much song and time
there's never much to speak about
or read between the lines
of what we dream about
when we're apart
and no one's looking on to say you're mine
went to varied and many places in japan (ueno zoo, asakusa, kamakura, izu peninsula, random tokyo and saitama places [tokyo disneyland, outdoor parks, bars, places where my wallet felt unhappy, places where my stomach was overjoyed], + the cat cafe!), worked as a mental prostitute (aka kyabajo/hostess), ate plates upon plates of raw fish (maguro, toroo, tuna! ebi!), ate raw horse meat (thanks diana), went to a love hotel (for free) with a real, live pool installed in the room (again thanks diana), (in all probability) had a date rape drug slipped into my drink, was involved in new, multiple, scary and potentially dangerous situations, set off fireworks on the beach/drank on the beach/smoked in japan (an unheard of concept), climbed mt. fuji, went to varied countries in south east asia, snorkled in coral reefs, lived without electricity for two days, played in a thai waterfall, kayaked on the ocean, had money stolen from my purse, went host clubbing, dressed as a santa and walked around kabukicho, laid down in traffic, drank many bottles of champagne, applied to graduate school, cooked various things, made an all too fancy and time consuming bento.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
the most impossible of promises are the ones that i make to myself, so i try not to bother.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no, but varied people from high school did, which makes me all the more certain that my mind and reproductive organs are quickly withering away.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
no one close, no.
5. What countries did you visit?
america, japan, hong kong, thailand, cambodia, laos.
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
an independent sense of purpose, the ephemeral yellow bird of happiness (good for one year), more money (impossible), a passion for something that i can find within myself.
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
a day in april, a day in may, any other day. because i am incapable of forgetting, for now.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
i'm guessing getting accepted to sophia/the scholarship, though there really were no particular 'achievements' to note. if i want to be really morbid, what do you think i'd write?
9. What was your biggest failure?
not making any significant mental progress from the year before (in terms of emotional attachment, intellect). my japanese ability staggering (because i am either lazy or incapable.) assuming that my parents were dealing in some way with my student loans when i was out of the country (irresponsible, stupid). not saving any money. not being kind enough to those that i should be kind to, being much too kind to those that frankly do not deserve my kindness.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
sort of.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
honestly? a 4,000yen pair of jeans from zara bought during the summer sale - they are definitely the most useful thing i bought, and therefore the best (?). otherwise, some sort of metal device which you press on pimples to pop them (1,000yen!). or a certain shade of eyeshadow. or my black, over the knee, fake leather, all too expensive euro-hooker boots. i am amazingly blase. but for the romantics - a silver ring from cambodia, or a gold and black painting of lotuses from laos. (sigh!) (WHERE ARE YOU NOW???)
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
i think that in general, those close to me (at least those in america) who kept their lives moving in some sort of direction forward this year - and that always merits celebration.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
it goes unsaid.
14. Where did most of your money go?
living expenses, the month of traveling, and towards the end, frivolous and idiotic "i'm about to leave japan so fuck everything" 'expenses'.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
diana coming to visit me, that particular night in april, traveling with shin.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
"dou site kimi wo suki ni natte simattan darou?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68Tp7T3g
(so cheesy and ear-bleed worthy i know)
and many many more
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?
as of may 2009, i am definitely more sad. but this is only because may of 2008 was one of those rare times that i could proclaim genuine elation with a non-cheesecake smile.
ii. thinner or fatter?
the same, possibly slightly fatter at this point.
iii. richer or poorer?
poorer, brokeeeee.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
(stealing sean's answer partially!)
studying, reading, taking pictures, appreciating the moment, learning from mistakes!
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
whining and bitching, drinking, crying.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
in a comatose stupor at my apartment, shoveling 'christmas cake,' fried chicken, and nikujaga into my mouth in between sips of alcohol.
22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
i already was. (steal!)
23. How many one-night stands?
i'm guessing i would have to say zero. this is somewhat questionable according to individual definitions.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
i spent most of my fall catching up (and finishing) six feet under, but considering that is now finished, i would have to say law and order svu. really, svu is akin to melon soda, pho, or some other sort of habit-forming substance for me.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i don't really believe in hating anyone, but i can certainly say that i have a strong dislike for certain people that i didn't have last year.
26. What was the best book you read this year?
'taking pictures' by anne enright.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
sia, snow patrol, miss platinum, elka, zemfira, 'purissance' cd, random trance given to me.
28. What did you want and get?
shin, traveling outside of japan, acceptance to graduate school,
29. What did you want and not get?
shin, travel to vietnam, fluent japanese ability, longer hair, bigger breasts, a smaller waist.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
this question should be rephrased as, 'the best movie you saw this year,' because really, in japan i saw no new movies aside from 'speedracer,' (and that was out of sheer desire to see something at a theatre.) it can hardly be termed as my favorite film of the year. but, i did watch a dvd that was given to me which i loved - 'songs from the second floor.' amazing stuff, amazing stuff.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i worked all day, (it was a monday, the worst of all days), then took the train to omiya to meet with fay for dinner. he was late, and the restaurant i chose to go to (sticks of raw food dipped in batter and panko, fried tableside) proved to be too expensive for him...so i ended up footing 80% of the bill for the two of us. possibly the most depressing birthday i can remember. and, i turned 23.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
yen, mind control, tarento! (+ longer hair, bigger breasts).
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
kuroneko hakujin gyaru.
34. What kept you sane?
surfthechannel.com, my friends, not being destitute, facebook, alcohol. (the last two led to some insanity however.)
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
uhh
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Σ（゜д ゜） はっ!?
37. Who did you miss?
everyone from my past life in amerikaz.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
hi.mi.tsu.vv.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
stop moving in circles. wear a mask. kabukicho is a dangerous place.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
so strike another match, we'll have another cup of wine
and dance until the evening's dead of too much song and time
there's never much to speak about
or read between the lines
of what we dream about
when we're apart
and no one's looking on to say you're mine
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hiding in tatami
Oct. 27th, 2008 | 02:31 pm
location: i really should be working on my application
as much as i am wallowing in my own, usual, narcissistic misery in japan, every time i look at photographs of america i get an urge akin to wanting to press a panic button. i am not referring to any of the key buzzwords (economy, recession, depression, sub prime loans, elections, sarah palin, baby eating, etc.) that america bashing blog entries are typically peppered with. i am not even america bashing, necessarily. it has become obvious to me that political crises do not register with me until they are brought down to the everyday, micro level - after all, i am one of the people who thinks one of the main reasons communism fell was because of the unavailability of consumer products. my problem with america is more personal. and there's the narcissism again.
i can only say - i can't help but feel appalled at how massive, unaesthetic, and just, well, blatantly ugly everything seems. it isn't as though not i can exactly term tokyo, all concrete slabs and convenience stores, as aesthetic, but somehow the close proximity of everything feels comforting. seeing photos of america makes me frightened to go back, as if being in a space larger than the size of a parking lot with no one to be seen could swallow me whole. i wonder how i could have ever survived in a small town, (though those years were best termed as barely surviving), and now i wonder if i could even be content with living in pittsburgh again. maybe i have to go to new york, i don't know - i've never been there, but i'm guessing it's the closest i can get to an american equivalent of tokyo. the way that i keep progressively moving on to more and more populated, 'developed' areas is equally frightening, because soon, there will be nowhere else bigger to move on to. the question i ask myself daily is simply, where would i be the most content? where can i go up to fill this hole? (oooh psych buzzword) and really, for lack of funds, and lack of everything (mainly funds), i doubt i will ever know. supposedly the key to some form of contentment is making the best of what you have, and i suppose moving in some kind of linear direction forward, but ultimately i'm not sure if such things are possible for me.
in america i miss people, places, and particularly, the past. pangs of nostaglia are the worst, because most of these ties have been broken, imagined, or not there to begin with. it's not even as though i had many friends in pittsburgh, i just have the uncanny ability to romanticize the trivial. i can't separate if i truly want to go home from homesickness.
one of the biggest problems i feel in japan is isolation - which, naturally, i assume every foreign worker/non-college student feels in a foreign country - but at the same time, i feel as though, because of the breadth of the city and the number of people, i have an unlimited number of chances to meet new people, gain new experiences, different life insights, something, somehow. not that i ever really do, and i'm guessing a large part of this has to do with my being foreign and (though this is arguable) shy, but i feel the possibility for that. that each day something could easily change me.
i never felt that way in pittsburgh.
in either country, i stagnate in different ways.
and i know, "you just need to come home."
but the worst part is, i don't know where that is now. and i don't know how to let go.
and though i said i wouldn't mention the economy - i don't even know if i can get a job at the mall, despite the fact that i have a B.S. would you like fries with that?
i can only say - i can't help but feel appalled at how massive, unaesthetic, and just, well, blatantly ugly everything seems. it isn't as though not i can exactly term tokyo, all concrete slabs and convenience stores, as aesthetic, but somehow the close proximity of everything feels comforting. seeing photos of america makes me frightened to go back, as if being in a space larger than the size of a parking lot with no one to be seen could swallow me whole. i wonder how i could have ever survived in a small town, (though those years were best termed as barely surviving), and now i wonder if i could even be content with living in pittsburgh again. maybe i have to go to new york, i don't know - i've never been there, but i'm guessing it's the closest i can get to an american equivalent of tokyo. the way that i keep progressively moving on to more and more populated, 'developed' areas is equally frightening, because soon, there will be nowhere else bigger to move on to. the question i ask myself daily is simply, where would i be the most content? where can i go up to fill this hole? (oooh psych buzzword) and really, for lack of funds, and lack of everything (mainly funds), i doubt i will ever know. supposedly the key to some form of contentment is making the best of what you have, and i suppose moving in some kind of linear direction forward, but ultimately i'm not sure if such things are possible for me.
in america i miss people, places, and particularly, the past. pangs of nostaglia are the worst, because most of these ties have been broken, imagined, or not there to begin with. it's not even as though i had many friends in pittsburgh, i just have the uncanny ability to romanticize the trivial. i can't separate if i truly want to go home from homesickness.
one of the biggest problems i feel in japan is isolation - which, naturally, i assume every foreign worker/non-college student feels in a foreign country - but at the same time, i feel as though, because of the breadth of the city and the number of people, i have an unlimited number of chances to meet new people, gain new experiences, different life insights, something, somehow. not that i ever really do, and i'm guessing a large part of this has to do with my being foreign and (though this is arguable) shy, but i feel the possibility for that. that each day something could easily change me.
i never felt that way in pittsburgh.
in either country, i stagnate in different ways.
and i know, "you just need to come home."
but the worst part is, i don't know where that is now. and i don't know how to let go.
and though i said i wouldn't mention the economy - i don't even know if i can get a job at the mall, despite the fact that i have a B.S. would you like fries with that?
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aaaand we knew that couldn't last terribly long: insomnia take 290429
May. 28th, 2008 | 01:10 am
music: terrible europop
something isn't right.
cracks grow, you know.
oh lori, why can't you just be content? i always want more and more and more. i'm going to start taking the pills again, because i realize that i'm a disgusting person to be around, even moreso than when i was a teenager. i'm not sure what to change about my life, but i know i am festering. aging. i miss my cat. i'm worried my mother will die. etc. etc.
oh lori, where do you want to go now?
i don't know what it is i miss about america. i just do.
but like everything else
as soon as i get it, the appeal will be lost.
i'm so tired.
i bought a postcard during golden week and hung it on my wall -
ちっちゃふみだす
一歩が大切
even one step is important.
step 1: i've been looking into graduate school again. i say i want to study japan, anthropology, sociology, some social science, but really i have no fucking clue. graduate school in japan - an impossibility, you have to pass level 1 of the JLPT, write papers in japanese. somehow in america i can feign intellect, it's a nice gloss to wear, like a pretty pretty party dress. answering questions with questions. in japan, i can't even properly ask for eyedrops, so even looking smart is kind of out of the question. maybe this is why i've let myself become so far gone here - there's no one to call me stupid - i'm just automatically taken as stupid, it's surface-value. no one is pushing me here. shin gave me a nice shove last week when he said i will never be a professor - but this was just reminiscent of mihnea and was possibly more counter-productive than otherwise. and it masked an even larger insecurity, wound, fact, whathaveyou: that everyone i desperately cling to, the ones that i want to 'know' me, the 'good' me, (and that is to say - there are several people who may or may not read this who fall into that category), they see me as what i probably really am: ____. i don't want anyone to see that. but even i don't know what i want to be when i grow up (ha, ha)- a professor? a researcher? whatever? it's a nice thing to say. the only thing that seems appealing. another party dress. so why the fuck do i care if someone slaps me in the face with the reality of my own laziness?
(answer: because i have some shades of pride left. despite all the words.)
step 2: saving money, looking for other sources of income outside of my regular job. i have to start paying back my loans. hiding under a rock > paying back student loans. (i'm wondering, what 'valuable skills' did i exactly acquire during college...? another possible reason i am not yippieskippy about giving my money away -)
i wanted to travel, but now i am entertaining the idea of going to a language school. that is, 'doing something worthwhile.' notice how that is in quotes. though i am sure 'discovering something' or 'exploring the world' will win out in the end. don't those sound much nicer than 'fucking around and wasting money'?
i reactivated my profile on the teaching websites. i applied for a hostessing job. i almost did a shady-seeming video interview that would have probably turned into an AV akin to bangbus or something, but i was talked out of it. funny that i choose to do these things now, when i'm trying to 'move forward.' if i were in tokyo, this would be much easier.
step 3: i told my boss i am leaving my job at the beginning of august. then i will be 'homeless' for at least a month.
oh, oh, oh.
cracks grow, you know.
oh lori, why can't you just be content? i always want more and more and more. i'm going to start taking the pills again, because i realize that i'm a disgusting person to be around, even moreso than when i was a teenager. i'm not sure what to change about my life, but i know i am festering. aging. i miss my cat. i'm worried my mother will die. etc. etc.
oh lori, where do you want to go now?
i don't know what it is i miss about america. i just do.
but like everything else
as soon as i get it, the appeal will be lost.
i'm so tired.
i bought a postcard during golden week and hung it on my wall -
ちっちゃふみだす
一歩が大切
even one step is important.
step 1: i've been looking into graduate school again. i say i want to study japan, anthropology, sociology, some social science, but really i have no fucking clue. graduate school in japan - an impossibility, you have to pass level 1 of the JLPT, write papers in japanese. somehow in america i can feign intellect, it's a nice gloss to wear, like a pretty pretty party dress. answering questions with questions. in japan, i can't even properly ask for eyedrops, so even looking smart is kind of out of the question. maybe this is why i've let myself become so far gone here - there's no one to call me stupid - i'm just automatically taken as stupid, it's surface-value. no one is pushing me here. shin gave me a nice shove last week when he said i will never be a professor - but this was just reminiscent of mihnea and was possibly more counter-productive than otherwise. and it masked an even larger insecurity, wound, fact, whathaveyou: that everyone i desperately cling to, the ones that i want to 'know' me, the 'good' me, (and that is to say - there are several people who may or may not read this who fall into that category), they see me as what i probably really am: ____. i don't want anyone to see that. but even i don't know what i want to be when i grow up (ha, ha)- a professor? a researcher? whatever? it's a nice thing to say. the only thing that seems appealing. another party dress. so why the fuck do i care if someone slaps me in the face with the reality of my own laziness?
(answer: because i have some shades of pride left. despite all the words.)
step 2: saving money, looking for other sources of income outside of my regular job. i have to start paying back my loans. hiding under a rock > paying back student loans. (i'm wondering, what 'valuable skills' did i exactly acquire during college...? another possible reason i am not yippieskippy about giving my money away -)
i wanted to travel, but now i am entertaining the idea of going to a language school. that is, 'doing something worthwhile.' notice how that is in quotes. though i am sure 'discovering something' or 'exploring the world' will win out in the end. don't those sound much nicer than 'fucking around and wasting money'?
i reactivated my profile on the teaching websites. i applied for a hostessing job. i almost did a shady-seeming video interview that would have probably turned into an AV akin to bangbus or something, but i was talked out of it. funny that i choose to do these things now, when i'm trying to 'move forward.' if i were in tokyo, this would be much easier.
step 3: i told my boss i am leaving my job at the beginning of august. then i will be 'homeless' for at least a month.
oh, oh, oh.
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(no subject)
May. 20th, 2008 | 11:50 pm
i am happy.
what that means, really, i don't know. but i can always say with such certainty when i am unhappy, so it is logical that i should be able to easily state the opposite, right?
and i have to note it. since it is so rare. and how long such things last are so fucking fleeting - and it's a full moon - so who knows how i will feel an hour from now. i want to know that yes, there was a time, in may, in may 2008, when lori was happy.
but something wretchedly horrible could come (or rather, something may not come) and then i will be farther than forever from how i am at. this. second. and i may jump in front of the infamous chuo sen or i may go isolate myself in my parents' cat piss filled house, and i may do anything but -
i am so happy.
and strangely, one of the worst things that has ever happened to me occurred in the past month. and my wisdom teeth are tearing through my gums - and i can't really eat on the left side of my mouth but-
i have the desire to live.
though of course, nothing is any less confusing. it never is. and no problems to speak of have been resolved, really, but -
i have to enjoy it. this.
what that means, really, i don't know. but i can always say with such certainty when i am unhappy, so it is logical that i should be able to easily state the opposite, right?
and i have to note it. since it is so rare. and how long such things last are so fucking fleeting - and it's a full moon - so who knows how i will feel an hour from now. i want to know that yes, there was a time, in may, in may 2008, when lori was happy.
but something wretchedly horrible could come (or rather, something may not come) and then i will be farther than forever from how i am at. this. second. and i may jump in front of the infamous chuo sen or i may go isolate myself in my parents' cat piss filled house, and i may do anything but -
i am so happy.
and strangely, one of the worst things that has ever happened to me occurred in the past month. and my wisdom teeth are tearing through my gums - and i can't really eat on the left side of my mouth but-
i have the desire to live.
though of course, nothing is any less confusing. it never is. and no problems to speak of have been resolved, really, but -
i have to enjoy it. this.
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いみがないなら
Apr. 22nd, 2008 | 03:06 am
hoping for what, exactly?
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(no subject)
Mar. 27th, 2008 | 02:40 am
music: duncan sheik, elysian fields, blonde redhead
i needed a change of pace, so i moved you to the dlk.
small transitions, small transitions. baby steps, easy does it, proverbs aplenty whispered in my ear.
earlier i felt as though i was on the verge of wailing again - again for no apparent reason aside from the ache - whatever that is - and now i am drinking wine, after a plastic canteen cup of vodka (free with my vitamin water) and a hot shower - being more productive than in days. the liquid cure, for me, the 'drunkard' - in japan, they don't take drugs, they just drink themselves into liver failure.
i didn't even want it, the alcohol, i mean, but i needed to sleep - and it was alcohol or klonopin, and the klonopin makes me feel out of control, my legs turn into jellyfish and i eat everything on my metal shelf - mainly the unhealthy things, cakes and half priced pan bought after 9pm - and no matter how many apples or seaweed packets or 98kcal cups of soup i put there to distract, nothing else tempts me.
though, i'm still not sleeping.
it is hanami season again. i keep checking my cellphone, the keitai sites, checking the dates, hoping that my fervor can make the petals bloom for a week longer, at least. april 8th, 9th, 10th..but for what purpose?
the imperial palace. my dream.
all i can do is melt melt
melt with nostalgia
and think, "you are an adult now."
i told two of my students - the fabulously rich elderly couple who go traveling abroad every month (february 2008 - cambodia - and the wife seems exceedingly tired of it all..) - my times sitting under the weeping cherry tree in my mother's yard as a child, pressing the petals into notebooks and wistfully wishing for something beyond myself, anything unearthly. attempting to climb the magnolia and thinking of the dead gramma, pulling the petals.
"how oriental," they said. (yes, 'oriental.')
how romantic. i never grew out of such shit. this is why i have problems now. too much vc andrews and wishful thinking.
the nostalgia for things that i may or may not have ever had, everything i have wished for but have potentially imagined - and who is to know the truth of it? (surprisingly, this doesn't mean a singular person or thing - it is ippai, ippai)
on march 30th, i will go to work, and then i will...you know. the hot shower, the plastic cup vodka, the glass of wine. wash, rinse, repeat. messages abound to acquaintances, while i bite my lips and smack myself for childishness. the validation i seek outside of myself - it isn't directed to anyone in particular. the qualities i seek are undefined - or at least i can't understand them. the passion in my gut, stupid words, a nonchalant eagerness. i will remember these feelings, always, and ache. always the fucking ache.
small transitions, small transitions. baby steps, easy does it, proverbs aplenty whispered in my ear.
earlier i felt as though i was on the verge of wailing again - again for no apparent reason aside from the ache - whatever that is - and now i am drinking wine, after a plastic canteen cup of vodka (free with my vitamin water) and a hot shower - being more productive than in days. the liquid cure, for me, the 'drunkard' - in japan, they don't take drugs, they just drink themselves into liver failure.
i didn't even want it, the alcohol, i mean, but i needed to sleep - and it was alcohol or klonopin, and the klonopin makes me feel out of control, my legs turn into jellyfish and i eat everything on my metal shelf - mainly the unhealthy things, cakes and half priced pan bought after 9pm - and no matter how many apples or seaweed packets or 98kcal cups of soup i put there to distract, nothing else tempts me.
though, i'm still not sleeping.
it is hanami season again. i keep checking my cellphone, the keitai sites, checking the dates, hoping that my fervor can make the petals bloom for a week longer, at least. april 8th, 9th, 10th..but for what purpose?
the imperial palace. my dream.
all i can do is melt melt
melt with nostalgia
and think, "you are an adult now."
i told two of my students - the fabulously rich elderly couple who go traveling abroad every month (february 2008 - cambodia - and the wife seems exceedingly tired of it all..) - my times sitting under the weeping cherry tree in my mother's yard as a child, pressing the petals into notebooks and wistfully wishing for something beyond myself, anything unearthly. attempting to climb the magnolia and thinking of the dead gramma, pulling the petals.
"how oriental," they said. (yes, 'oriental.')
how romantic. i never grew out of such shit. this is why i have problems now. too much vc andrews and wishful thinking.
the nostalgia for things that i may or may not have ever had, everything i have wished for but have potentially imagined - and who is to know the truth of it? (surprisingly, this doesn't mean a singular person or thing - it is ippai, ippai)
on march 30th, i will go to work, and then i will...you know. the hot shower, the plastic cup vodka, the glass of wine. wash, rinse, repeat. messages abound to acquaintances, while i bite my lips and smack myself for childishness. the validation i seek outside of myself - it isn't directed to anyone in particular. the qualities i seek are undefined - or at least i can't understand them. the passion in my gut, stupid words, a nonchalant eagerness. i will remember these feelings, always, and ache. always the fucking ache.
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puzzle pieces
Feb. 12th, 2008 | 01:13 am
music: suede - pantomine horse
Asekkaki (1:07:58 AM): I told him you're the same age and you can speak japanese.
Asekkaki (1:08:08 AM): I think he'll be coming.
redrorikon (1:08:13 AM): i can remotely understand but i cant speak
Asekkaki (1:08:24 AM): You speak it a lot better when you're hysterical or drunk.
redrorikon (1:08:38 AM): hysterical..? when was i hysterical and speaking
Asekkaki (1:08:54 AM): I will never forget
Asekkaki (1:08:58 AM): That walk home
Asekkaki (1:09:02 AM): After the fall
Asekkaki (1:09:13 AM): With you crying and screaming while Shin and I carried you basically to the station
Asekkaki (1:09:33 AM): There was as much Japanese outta your mouth as English/primal roars
redrorikon (1:09:42 AM): wtf was i saying
redrorikon (1:10:08 AM): and did it make any sense
Asekkaki (1:10:52 AM): not really rememberable
Asekkaki (1:10:57 AM): I just remember loud angry Japanese
redrorikon (1:11:09 AM): and shin..?
Asekkaki (1:11:21 AM): dead silent, I told you
redrorikon (1:11:27 AM): oh yeah, he went comatose
Asekkaki (1:11:32 AM): no, you did
Asekkaki (1:11:35 AM): He just went stupid
redrorikon (1:11:47 AM): yeah i went comatose quite literally
Asekkaki (1:08:08 AM): I think he'll be coming.
redrorikon (1:08:13 AM): i can remotely understand but i cant speak
Asekkaki (1:08:24 AM): You speak it a lot better when you're hysterical or drunk.
redrorikon (1:08:38 AM): hysterical..? when was i hysterical and speaking
Asekkaki (1:08:54 AM): I will never forget
Asekkaki (1:08:58 AM): That walk home
Asekkaki (1:09:02 AM): After the fall
Asekkaki (1:09:13 AM): With you crying and screaming while Shin and I carried you basically to the station
Asekkaki (1:09:33 AM): There was as much Japanese outta your mouth as English/primal roars
redrorikon (1:09:42 AM): wtf was i saying
redrorikon (1:10:08 AM): and did it make any sense
Asekkaki (1:10:52 AM): not really rememberable
Asekkaki (1:10:57 AM): I just remember loud angry Japanese
redrorikon (1:11:09 AM): and shin..?
Asekkaki (1:11:21 AM): dead silent, I told you
redrorikon (1:11:27 AM): oh yeah, he went comatose
Asekkaki (1:11:32 AM): no, you did
Asekkaki (1:11:35 AM): He just went stupid
redrorikon (1:11:47 AM): yeah i went comatose quite literally
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wtf lol
Jan. 30th, 2008 | 03:14 am
i somehow find it hysterical that a japanese person, rather than watching raw versions of anime on tv as they are meant to be viewed, instead somehow finds/watches them on sites like veoh.com where they have been uploaded by foreigners and subtitled into english. because, they claim, there is no site like this in japanese, (or more likely it is more difficult to find through google.) oh, globalization (or pirating).
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narita made
Dec. 20th, 2007 | 01:56 am
music: radiohead - backdrifts
dec 23 - jan 4.
i am excited for you, america.
i am excited for you, america.
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one of the stranger things that has been said to me
Dec. 16th, 2007 | 01:51 am
music: tori amos - sweet sangria
"i came here because i wanted to amaeru with you."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amae
so, apparently, studying anthro has had some kind of practical use. that's a first.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amae
so, apparently, studying anthro has had some kind of practical use. that's a first.
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2000 words
Nov. 28th, 2007 | 01:50 am
music: elysian fields - parachute
the first photo where i feel as though my current character has been captured perfectly:
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beginning nov. 20...
Nov. 28th, 2007 | 12:10 am
http://reentryjapan.blogspot.com/2007/1
i suppose i should note, despite the fact that there are only a few reading this - yes, i realize the us has similar procedures dealing with fingerprinting/photographing. yes, i realize that racial/national profiling occurs continuously at american airports. i know the 'positive' flipside of it all too well - i'm an american girl with blonde hair and blue eyes who made it the whole way from pittsburgh to romania with a kitchen knife shoved into her carry-on bag. problem free. it must appear obvious that middle class white girls can't be terrorists. (or at least obviously i can't. which is certainly true, as i was too much of an idiot to even realize i had such a thing in my bag. but i was sure to place all of my liquids in the quart sized plastic baggy and present it to security with a smile.)
america, i do not agree with you - however, i feel as though there are certain differences between your population and the japanese population (such as the sheer influx of foreigners into you grossly outweighing that of japan; or perhaps more importantly, the fact that all of the so-called 'terrorist' acts in japan have been commited by japanese nationals [though 'foreign terrorism' is the officially touted reason for new immigration policy]) that make your laws seem slightly more sane and justified.
(additionally, why should it be that discriminatory immigration policies such as the US' be copycatted? is it to wave a finger at americans and say, 'poo, poo, poo, we think you are terrorists too'? rather, shouldn't the focus be on proving that country x is able to come up with a more humane and effective [not to mention more mature] way of handling a 'social problem'?)
and additionally, as far as i know, there are not clearly recognizable signs at public establishments barring foreigners from entry in america. and, additionally, as far as i know, in america, it is not a typical practice for the police to come to your door at 7am and ask for your identification (in this case, gaijin card, which is another thing unto itself) with no probable cause - that is, aside from your being a foreigner. this happened to me two weeks ago. i asked one of my students, a police officer, for his opinion - he proceeded to casually explain that if a japanese calls the police and mentions a "suspicious looking foreigner" in the neighborhood, the police are obliged to check it out. and, additionally, he said, "if there is a building where a lot of foreigners live, we should go there every few months [unannounced] and check their cards to make sure they are not overstaying their visa." the only foreigners that live in this building are me and a vietnamese family. apparently this equals enough scary foreigners for three police to show up at my door in the morning and scare the shit out of me (the scariest foreigner of them all).
how is this okay? is it okay?
i bitch and complain about japan because this is my bread and butter, this is my doorstep, this is my rice. if i was a foreigner (particularly a non-white, non-american foreigner) in some other country, similar thoughts would probably be posted. however, i'm not.
another edit:
i suppose i should note, despite the fact that there are only a few reading this - yes, i realize the us has similar procedures dealing with fingerprinting/photographing. yes, i realize that racial/national profiling occurs continuously at american airports. i know the 'positive' flipside of it all too well - i'm an american girl with blonde hair and blue eyes who made it the whole way from pittsburgh to romania with a kitchen knife shoved into her carry-on bag. problem free. it must appear obvious that middle class white girls can't be terrorists. (or at least obviously i can't. which is certainly true, as i was too much of an idiot to even realize i had such a thing in my bag. but i was sure to place all of my liquids in the quart sized plastic baggy and present it to security with a smile.)
america, i do not agree with you - however, i feel as though there are certain differences between your population and the japanese population (such as the sheer influx of foreigners into you grossly outweighing that of japan; or perhaps more importantly, the fact that all of the so-called 'terrorist' acts in japan have been commited by japanese nationals [though 'foreign terrorism' is the officially touted reason for new immigration policy]) that make your laws seem slightly more sane and justified.
(additionally, why should it be that discriminatory immigration policies such as the US' be copycatted? is it to wave a finger at americans and say, 'poo, poo, poo, we think you are terrorists too'? rather, shouldn't the focus be on proving that country x is able to come up with a more humane and effective [not to mention more mature] way of handling a 'social problem'?)
and additionally, as far as i know, there are not clearly recognizable signs at public establishments barring foreigners from entry in america. and, additionally, as far as i know, in america, it is not a typical practice for the police to come to your door at 7am and ask for your identification (in this case, gaijin card, which is another thing unto itself) with no probable cause - that is, aside from your being a foreigner. this happened to me two weeks ago. i asked one of my students, a police officer, for his opinion - he proceeded to casually explain that if a japanese calls the police and mentions a "suspicious looking foreigner" in the neighborhood, the police are obliged to check it out. and, additionally, he said, "if there is a building where a lot of foreigners live, we should go there every few months [unannounced] and check their cards to make sure they are not overstaying their visa." the only foreigners that live in this building are me and a vietnamese family. apparently this equals enough scary foreigners for three police to show up at my door in the morning and scare the shit out of me (the scariest foreigner of them all).
how is this okay? is it okay?
i bitch and complain about japan because this is my bread and butter, this is my doorstep, this is my rice. if i was a foreigner (particularly a non-white, non-american foreigner) in some other country, similar thoughts would probably be posted. however, i'm not.
another edit:
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next up on 'love' and 'between a rock and a hard place'
Nov. 21st, 2007 | 01:27 am
mood: 
anxious
i am going to guam and spending all my money.
potentially starving.
now i will really know what it means to be a member of the 10 yen club.
potentially starving.
now i will really know what it means to be a member of the 10 yen club.
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if you hate the taste of wine..
Nov. 19th, 2007 | 09:58 pm
music: we are nowhere and it's now, haha
myevenings currentlyconsist ofthefollowingactivities:
★teaching and trying to look relatively knowledgable/busy when actually, i'm wondering if i'm helping these people learn english at all (i can hope, at least)
★picking at the acne on my face and wondering why my body thinks it's 14 again
◎fantasizing about taking an amazing bath that i can never seem to make it to
★sleeping/shivering with the space heater about 6 inches from my head, as the 'heater'/ac in my classroom doesn't seem to be working properly
★stressing out about plane tickets, visas, money, the feeling of utter indifference directed towards me, (then realizing everyone feels this way, but handles it better)
★checking my cellphone about every three seconds to make sure i haven't missed a stray text message from a taisetsu na hito (the answer is a resounding no), then sulking for a few moments before checking again and/or messaging a less taisetsu na hito
★watching winter sonata and other weepy things which inevitably fill me simultaneously with teenage longing and that not quite describable masochistic high i seem to live for
★rereading old, previously-cathartic novels, brought from america
★oh self discovery, joyous and fruitful
maybe my body thinks i'm 14 again because my mind seems to be moving in that direction.
OHH kawai sou ne?
YES.
but honestly, i have so many things to be happy for. right?
but honesty hurts. i can never quite be positive, only looping looping. 'i used to say, just follow your heart, but mine always led me in circles.'
or
'if you hate the taste of wine, why do you drink it until you're blind?'
debating on friends lockingggggggggggggggggg
debate debate
★teaching and trying to look relatively knowledgable/busy when actually, i'm wondering if i'm helping these people learn english at all (i can hope, at least)
★picking at the acne on my face and wondering why my body thinks it's 14 again
◎fantasizing about taking an amazing bath that i can never seem to make it to
★sleeping/shivering with the space heater about 6 inches from my head, as the 'heater'/ac in my classroom doesn't seem to be working properly
★stressing out about plane tickets, visas, money, the feeling of utter indifference directed towards me, (then realizing everyone feels this way, but handles it better)
★checking my cellphone about every three seconds to make sure i haven't missed a stray text message from a taisetsu na hito (the answer is a resounding no), then sulking for a few moments before checking again and/or messaging a less taisetsu na hito
★watching winter sonata and other weepy things which inevitably fill me simultaneously with teenage longing and that not quite describable masochistic high i seem to live for
★rereading old, previously-cathartic novels, brought from america
★oh self discovery, joyous and fruitful
maybe my body thinks i'm 14 again because my mind seems to be moving in that direction.
OHH kawai sou ne?
YES.
but honestly, i have so many things to be happy for. right?
but honesty hurts. i can never quite be positive, only looping looping. 'i used to say, just follow your heart, but mine always led me in circles.'
or
'if you hate the taste of wine, why do you drink it until you're blind?'
debating on friends lockingggggggggggggggggg
debate debate
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another hot night in nanasato, eating apples and texting
Nov. 7th, 2007 | 11:58 pm
trever: "awwwwww. do i feel the start of a love..what is it now..a pentagon?"
me: i only care about youknowwho. and no one cares about me, so we don't have enough lines to even make a triangle, or any other shape."
t: "it's ok, no one loves me either. and we can put you on the end of the 'love dipper' and it works out."
me: i only care about youknowwho. and no one cares about me, so we don't have enough lines to even make a triangle, or any other shape."
t: "it's ok, no one loves me either. and we can put you on the end of the 'love dipper' and it works out."
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i have problems with verb tenses
Nov. 6th, 2007 | 11:40 pm
after my pseudo and thus prematurely-over date with the todai med student on sunday, i sat at hachiko, thoroughly lighterless, thoroughly craving a cigarette, thoroughly freezing, thoroughly confused, and thoroughly dreading work the next day.
mondays mean kindergarten day, which means waking up at 7:45. this means catching the train at 9:14 and beginning to teach at 10. i then jump around for 2 hours and end at 12, and am home again by 1. at 3:30, i begin jumping once more. there are 5 more classes back to back until 8:30.
kindergarten day means there are plenty of opportunities for me to be felt up by 5 year old boys. this past monday, one boy kept punching my ass, while the teacher watched and did absolutely nothing to stop him. another boy passed me in the hall and simply grabbed my breast, saying nothing. it takes all i can to not backhand them.
but when they scream "LORI-SENSEI!!!" and smile at me happily, or grab onto my legs, it takes all i can to not be elated.
generalization number #1: most japanese children are spoiled little brats. before coming here, i somehow thought the opposite, despite all of the 'academic' texts i read discussing indulgence/dependence and the immense amount of time and effort japanese mothers spend on grooming their children. baby gets what baby wants. even still, the ever-prevailing stereotype that asian children are somehow more well-behaved and well-mannered than western kids because of 'traditional values' or some such nonsense remained. ha. ha. ha.
at hachiko, it was 8:30. i had spent nearly 2 hours getting ready in order to come into tokyo. i didn't want to go home - it would seem like a wasted effort and a wasted train ticket. 540 yen one way for what? to feel awkward, immature, and like a walking, talking guidebook to america? each time i now meet a new japanese person and speak in english, i feel as though i am working. i feel pressured to feign interest. i feel like checking my watch to see when my 50 minutes are over. then i hope: please say something to make me laugh. please say something clever. but then i remember - i am in japan, speaking english, with a japanese person. and next, the wave of guilt rushes over me - why don't i speak in japanese? why am i such an american? - and i am left sitting there feeling like a selfish idiot.
additionally, going home means that i am left alone with myself, which is scarier than sitting alone and freezing at hachiko. this is despite the fact that hachiko is the most notorious meeting place in shibuya - meaning that everyone is meeting someone there. planned or not. the baito workers for the izakayas and karaoke bars make their rounds, harassing any japanese person who will listen. the gyarus squat on the ground, texting. the groups of young guys sit on the bars in packs, smoking cigarettes, (thinking god knows what, i have no generalizations for them.) the foreigners waft in and out. gyaru hunters bother the gyarus who in turn either laugh, yell, or scream "NO SPEAK ENGRISHY." in english.
i sit near some solitary-looking 20-something year old girl, and observe an indian guy harrassing some gyaru. after failing miserably, he attempts to talk to me. i bitterly tell him that if he is looking to pick up japanese girls, shibuya is not the place to do it - foreigners are no longer novelties for them. he shows me his left ring finger and states with a smile, "i am married. i am not looking for japanese girls." he then proceeds to tell me how wonderful japanese girls are because they are looking for love, not short term relationships. i want to ask him what the gyaru in the hot pants he was talking to is looking for, but i don't bother. he says western girls are looking for one night stands. then he invites me for a drink. i decline.
i text the few people i know that live near shibuya, trying to find someone to go out with. i don't bother asking shin to see me, because i know that i ask him far too much as it is, i know he is not interested, i know i am a perpetual annoyance. instead, as we were corresponding anyway, i simply tell him i am in shibuya. i tell him i was supposed to meet a friend but they cancelled. i don't ask him to see me - i just lie about my situation, subtly implying something something. we now lie to each other. although my brain repeats and repeats that he will not care, i cannot stop typing my message, i cannot stop the hope that he cares that his ex-girlfriend is cold and alone in shibuya. this hope conspires against whatever bit of reality i still have a grasp of. and then the inner dialogue: if he doesn't take the bait, at least it won't sting so much as if i asked him directly.
this is how i am coping. this is the slow change from passionate, direct, blurted out and unmentionable sentences to tacit lies and more subtle implications. you will not see me sobbing and being hysterical on the floor; you will only see my quivering lip.
but he bites. as i was about to get on the train, he asks if i want to see him. we meet in ikebukuro. he says i look very good today. once, twice, three times. he mutters 'kawaii' under his breath in the same voice he used when he told me her name, 'haruka.' each time i have a corporeal reaction. he drinks his beer quickly, too quickly. i ask why he is rushing. he says that he wants to finish his drink so we can go to the park.
on the way, at the conbini, i try to amaze him with my knowledge of japanese pop-culture, as i cannot help but feel that my utter lack of japaneseness was, well, you know, the problem. at least it's something to blame things on.
"OH LOOK! they have the new apple chu-hi! i know it's new because i saw koda kumi advertising it on tv!"
"-strange look-"
we laugh a lot. i feel high. he is no longer so cool (cold), or maybe i have become used to his new coldness. we listen to music from his cell phone loudly. he is spontaneous, he is young, he is full of piss and vinegar. he crushes our cans with his foot and then bites me. we can smell the sewer, something that is so common in japan, something i only associate with here. i think only i can find this romantic.
"i'm glad to have met you. i'm having a lot of fun."
"what do you mean? do you mean you're glad to have met me today, or in general?"
"i'm glad to have met you TODAY. but i'm really glad to have met you."
after i got home, he calls at about 3am. drunken shin wants sleepy lori to talk to his friend.
"hi..this is..shin's..friend..tomoya."
"uhhh. hi tomoya, i'm shin's friend, my name is lori."
shin: "WHAT THE FUCK LORI YOU'RE NOT JUST MY FRIEND"
"what? what am i then?"
"you're my ex-girlfriend! you know how important you are to me!!!"
ha ha.
in other words:
i am trying, yet getting nowhere.
hello, treading quicksand.
hello, gasping for air. hello, stupidity, my old friend.
and this isn't even the biggest problem.
i don't even write about the real problems - such as, what am i going to do with the rest of my life? am i going to apply for graduate school this fall? when will i take the gres? what am i going to do when i have to start paying back my student loans? why can't i seem to do normal things like take out/separate my trash? why can't i be decisive? why do i binge eat/drink? why can't i fall asleep alone without the help of a pill? and of course, why do i not feel sane without the presence of some guy in my life?
mondays mean kindergarten day, which means waking up at 7:45. this means catching the train at 9:14 and beginning to teach at 10. i then jump around for 2 hours and end at 12, and am home again by 1. at 3:30, i begin jumping once more. there are 5 more classes back to back until 8:30.
kindergarten day means there are plenty of opportunities for me to be felt up by 5 year old boys. this past monday, one boy kept punching my ass, while the teacher watched and did absolutely nothing to stop him. another boy passed me in the hall and simply grabbed my breast, saying nothing. it takes all i can to not backhand them.
but when they scream "LORI-SENSEI!!!" and smile at me happily, or grab onto my legs, it takes all i can to not be elated.
generalization number #1: most japanese children are spoiled little brats. before coming here, i somehow thought the opposite, despite all of the 'academic' texts i read discussing indulgence/dependence and the immense amount of time and effort japanese mothers spend on grooming their children. baby gets what baby wants. even still, the ever-prevailing stereotype that asian children are somehow more well-behaved and well-mannered than western kids because of 'traditional values' or some such nonsense remained. ha. ha. ha.
at hachiko, it was 8:30. i had spent nearly 2 hours getting ready in order to come into tokyo. i didn't want to go home - it would seem like a wasted effort and a wasted train ticket. 540 yen one way for what? to feel awkward, immature, and like a walking, talking guidebook to america? each time i now meet a new japanese person and speak in english, i feel as though i am working. i feel pressured to feign interest. i feel like checking my watch to see when my 50 minutes are over. then i hope: please say something to make me laugh. please say something clever. but then i remember - i am in japan, speaking english, with a japanese person. and next, the wave of guilt rushes over me - why don't i speak in japanese? why am i such an american? - and i am left sitting there feeling like a selfish idiot.
additionally, going home means that i am left alone with myself, which is scarier than sitting alone and freezing at hachiko. this is despite the fact that hachiko is the most notorious meeting place in shibuya - meaning that everyone is meeting someone there. planned or not. the baito workers for the izakayas and karaoke bars make their rounds, harassing any japanese person who will listen. the gyarus squat on the ground, texting. the groups of young guys sit on the bars in packs, smoking cigarettes, (thinking god knows what, i have no generalizations for them.) the foreigners waft in and out. gyaru hunters bother the gyarus who in turn either laugh, yell, or scream "NO SPEAK ENGRISHY." in english.
i sit near some solitary-looking 20-something year old girl, and observe an indian guy harrassing some gyaru. after failing miserably, he attempts to talk to me. i bitterly tell him that if he is looking to pick up japanese girls, shibuya is not the place to do it - foreigners are no longer novelties for them. he shows me his left ring finger and states with a smile, "i am married. i am not looking for japanese girls." he then proceeds to tell me how wonderful japanese girls are because they are looking for love, not short term relationships. i want to ask him what the gyaru in the hot pants he was talking to is looking for, but i don't bother. he says western girls are looking for one night stands. then he invites me for a drink. i decline.
i text the few people i know that live near shibuya, trying to find someone to go out with. i don't bother asking shin to see me, because i know that i ask him far too much as it is, i know he is not interested, i know i am a perpetual annoyance. instead, as we were corresponding anyway, i simply tell him i am in shibuya. i tell him i was supposed to meet a friend but they cancelled. i don't ask him to see me - i just lie about my situation, subtly implying something something. we now lie to each other. although my brain repeats and repeats that he will not care, i cannot stop typing my message, i cannot stop the hope that he cares that his ex-girlfriend is cold and alone in shibuya. this hope conspires against whatever bit of reality i still have a grasp of. and then the inner dialogue: if he doesn't take the bait, at least it won't sting so much as if i asked him directly.
this is how i am coping. this is the slow change from passionate, direct, blurted out and unmentionable sentences to tacit lies and more subtle implications. you will not see me sobbing and being hysterical on the floor; you will only see my quivering lip.
but he bites. as i was about to get on the train, he asks if i want to see him. we meet in ikebukuro. he says i look very good today. once, twice, three times. he mutters 'kawaii' under his breath in the same voice he used when he told me her name, 'haruka.' each time i have a corporeal reaction. he drinks his beer quickly, too quickly. i ask why he is rushing. he says that he wants to finish his drink so we can go to the park.
on the way, at the conbini, i try to amaze him with my knowledge of japanese pop-culture, as i cannot help but feel that my utter lack of japaneseness was, well, you know, the problem. at least it's something to blame things on.
"OH LOOK! they have the new apple chu-hi! i know it's new because i saw koda kumi advertising it on tv!"
"-strange look-"
we laugh a lot. i feel high. he is no longer so cool (cold), or maybe i have become used to his new coldness. we listen to music from his cell phone loudly. he is spontaneous, he is young, he is full of piss and vinegar. he crushes our cans with his foot and then bites me. we can smell the sewer, something that is so common in japan, something i only associate with here. i think only i can find this romantic.
"i'm glad to have met you. i'm having a lot of fun."
"what do you mean? do you mean you're glad to have met me today, or in general?"
"i'm glad to have met you TODAY. but i'm really glad to have met you."
after i got home, he calls at about 3am. drunken shin wants sleepy lori to talk to his friend.
"hi..this is..shin's..friend..tomoya."
"uhhh. hi tomoya, i'm shin's friend, my name is lori."
shin: "WHAT THE FUCK LORI YOU'RE NOT JUST MY FRIEND"
"what? what am i then?"
"you're my ex-girlfriend! you know how important you are to me!!!"
ha ha.
in other words:
i am trying, yet getting nowhere.
hello, treading quicksand.
hello, gasping for air. hello, stupidity, my old friend.
and this isn't even the biggest problem.
i don't even write about the real problems - such as, what am i going to do with the rest of my life? am i going to apply for graduate school this fall? when will i take the gres? what am i going to do when i have to start paying back my student loans? why can't i seem to do normal things like take out/separate my trash? why can't i be decisive? why do i binge eat/drink? why can't i fall asleep alone without the help of a pill? and of course, why do i not feel sane without the presence of some guy in my life?
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ADD
Nov. 1st, 2007 | 11:48 pm
tonight, i spent my evening in maruetsu, searching for lightbulbs. after completing my arduous task, i decided to peruse through the magazines. considering i can't read much of anything, i typically just stand around and look at the pictures until i get a sensory overload (and/or panic attack, because i realize that despite the fact i have been 'studying' japanese on and off for 3 years, i truly don't understand anything).
i remember the first time i went to la, i forced dd to take me to little tokyo so i could buy pounds upon pounds of japanese fashion magazines. i ended up paying about 10 dollars a pop for magazines meant for 13 year old girls. now, i have volumes of everything japanese at my disposal, and i rarely find myself caring. i don't have the money or the body or the genetics necessary to wear daisy dukes, hair extentions, and a 20,000yen bag from cecil mcbee. however, tonight something slightly unusual caught my eye.
i usually don't bother to pick up certain magazines because they seem like the type of thing good girls would read. you can tell the good girl magazines from the bad girl magazines by the type of covergirl they have. good girls keep their skin white, are mainly short and bug eyed, and wear a large amount of loud blush. the bad girls wear stripper boots and look like they are asking to be fucked. bad girl magazines have enormous amounts of shiny, laquered pages and bright colors barking everywhere. good girl magazines are more minimalist and contain more text (which i can't read). if i have the time to flip through a magazine, i'd much rather read a bad girl magazine. obviously. EGG is a fantastic example of a bad girl magazine, famous among all gyarus. EGG contains something i think cosmo, or elle, or whatever magazine that targets 20-something american girls is desperately lacking. specifically, this is a section called 'animal talk' -- which is an erotica story accompanied with photos. girls might like pornography? gasp!
these photos, which show the two 'characters' acting the scene out, are never exactly explicit, though they show both parties in some form of undress or the other. i.e. lots of photos where the girl is being held down in some way and looking distraught (i.e. happy, in the japanese context). but they're brightly lit and clearly meant to at least be mildly titillating - there is no 'romance' to speak of in the photos. in the copy of EGG i bought in the spring, the story involved the couple going into an abandoned classroom to have sex. in the last photo, we see the girl pressed up against the chalkboard, chalk in hand, writing "iku" (going/cumming/doing the hokey pokey). ('iku' was in katakana, btw, which i found a bit strange. the last line of the 'ku' was very warbly, as if, she was indeed coming! clever!) very classy stuff - for classy girls like me. even more interesting is the way fellatio is depicted. both issues of EGG i've seen have had photos of the boxer-brief clad guy holding a banana and making ridiculous faces while the girl simulates licking. there were no simulated pussy licking photos that i can remember. (why?)
but good girl magazines! you surprised me.
tonight, after i had my fill of EGG and Cawaii and whatever else i decided to pick up, i decided to look through Zipper. a seemingly good girl magazine, very mainstream and popular. boring, i thought. why am i wasting my time, i thought. but then, during my skimming, between the pages of cherubic looking girls with too much blush, i found a poll. it asked: 'are you a sadist or are you a masochist?' somehow i understand this in japanese. somehow i can read this, if nothing else, after three years of language study. the poll, which interviewed guys around tokyo, presumably, found that 65% are sadists and 35% are masochists. i would love to see a similar poll completed in america. however, i don't think americans run around asking eachother if they are sadists or masochists. "normal" americans, or best-selling magazines, anyway. am i wrong? i don't read cosmo.
zipper: 1
EGG: 1
cosmo: 0
and this will amuse only me, but i must:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q53e83FO
i remember the first time i went to la, i forced dd to take me to little tokyo so i could buy pounds upon pounds of japanese fashion magazines. i ended up paying about 10 dollars a pop for magazines meant for 13 year old girls. now, i have volumes of everything japanese at my disposal, and i rarely find myself caring. i don't have the money or the body or the genetics necessary to wear daisy dukes, hair extentions, and a 20,000yen bag from cecil mcbee. however, tonight something slightly unusual caught my eye.
i usually don't bother to pick up certain magazines because they seem like the type of thing good girls would read. you can tell the good girl magazines from the bad girl magazines by the type of covergirl they have. good girls keep their skin white, are mainly short and bug eyed, and wear a large amount of loud blush. the bad girls wear stripper boots and look like they are asking to be fucked. bad girl magazines have enormous amounts of shiny, laquered pages and bright colors barking everywhere. good girl magazines are more minimalist and contain more text (which i can't read). if i have the time to flip through a magazine, i'd much rather read a bad girl magazine. obviously. EGG is a fantastic example of a bad girl magazine, famous among all gyarus. EGG contains something i think cosmo, or elle, or whatever magazine that targets 20-something american girls is desperately lacking. specifically, this is a section called 'animal talk' -- which is an erotica story accompanied with photos. girls might like pornography? gasp!
these photos, which show the two 'characters' acting the scene out, are never exactly explicit, though they show both parties in some form of undress or the other. i.e. lots of photos where the girl is being held down in some way and looking distraught (i.e. happy, in the japanese context). but they're brightly lit and clearly meant to at least be mildly titillating - there is no 'romance' to speak of in the photos. in the copy of EGG i bought in the spring, the story involved the couple going into an abandoned classroom to have sex. in the last photo, we see the girl pressed up against the chalkboard, chalk in hand, writing "iku" (going/cumming/doing the hokey pokey). ('iku' was in katakana, btw, which i found a bit strange. the last line of the 'ku' was very warbly, as if, she was indeed coming! clever!) very classy stuff - for classy girls like me. even more interesting is the way fellatio is depicted. both issues of EGG i've seen have had photos of the boxer-brief clad guy holding a banana and making ridiculous faces while the girl simulates licking. there were no simulated pussy licking photos that i can remember. (why?)
but good girl magazines! you surprised me.
tonight, after i had my fill of EGG and Cawaii and whatever else i decided to pick up, i decided to look through Zipper. a seemingly good girl magazine, very mainstream and popular. boring, i thought. why am i wasting my time, i thought. but then, during my skimming, between the pages of cherubic looking girls with too much blush, i found a poll. it asked: 'are you a sadist or are you a masochist?' somehow i understand this in japanese. somehow i can read this, if nothing else, after three years of language study. the poll, which interviewed guys around tokyo, presumably, found that 65% are sadists and 35% are masochists. i would love to see a similar poll completed in america. however, i don't think americans run around asking eachother if they are sadists or masochists. "normal" americans, or best-selling magazines, anyway. am i wrong? i don't read cosmo.
zipper: 1
EGG: 1
cosmo: 0
and this will amuse only me, but i must:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q53e83FO
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i don't 'rest,' i 'stay'
Nov. 1st, 2007 | 07:32 am
mood: none, or other.
music: mew - 156
love hotel tally.
total number of 'stays': 4
current number of 'stays' from this stay in japan: 3
at night: 3
after last train: 3
male companions: 2
female companions: 0
visited: shibuya (1), ikebukuro (2), somewhere nameless and forgettable near ueno (1)
number of different hotels: 4
times the 'stay' was planned: 1
times i paid: 2
times bill was split: 1
times i don't remember how i got there: 2
times i had alcohol in my system during my 'stay': 3
times i was significantly inebriated enough to pass out: 2
times sex did not occur during the 'stay': 1
times i slept: 3
times i cried: 1
times the guy cried: 1
times i was in love: 3
times i had work the next day: 2
times i took full advantage of hotel services: 1
times the hotel itself was relatively interesting: 1 (maybe 2?)
times i taught english directly after being at the hotel: 1
times it was raining outside: 2
times i was embarrassed: 1
times i desperately wanted to stay longer: 2
it would be interesting to guess which stay is which. it probably isn't what you think.
total number of 'stays': 4
current number of 'stays' from this stay in japan: 3
at night: 3
after last train: 3
male companions: 2
female companions: 0
visited: shibuya (1), ikebukuro (2), somewhere nameless and forgettable near ueno (1)
number of different hotels: 4
times the 'stay' was planned: 1
times i paid: 2
times bill was split: 1
times i don't remember how i got there: 2
times i had alcohol in my system during my 'stay': 3
times i was significantly inebriated enough to pass out: 2
times sex did not occur during the 'stay': 1
times i slept: 3
times i cried: 1
times the guy cried: 1
times i was in love: 3
times i had work the next day: 2
times i took full advantage of hotel services: 1
times the hotel itself was relatively interesting: 1 (maybe 2?)
times i taught english directly after being at the hotel: 1
times it was raining outside: 2
times i was embarrassed: 1
times i desperately wanted to stay longer: 2
it would be interesting to guess which stay is which. it probably isn't what you think.
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'why are your eyes blue?' take two
Oct. 24th, 2007 | 12:51 pm
music: devics - just one breath
i find it disconcerting that all of the american/european movie characters i find to be deathly attractive are those with some sort of mental problem, addiction, or general craziness.
i can only like white psychos? what?
case in point: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0n9EvjkX
i was searching for the devics, and came up with this.
i normally don't like ryan gosling. but make him into a chain smoking, suicidal weirdo, and suddenly: wow!
as a side note: tomoya cut his hair. and he suddenly seems to have aged 10 years. (sad face).
i can only like white psychos? what?
case in point: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0n9EvjkX
i was searching for the devics, and came up with this.
i normally don't like ryan gosling. but make him into a chain smoking, suicidal weirdo, and suddenly: wow!
as a side note: tomoya cut his hair. and he suddenly seems to have aged 10 years. (sad face).